I have sat, paralyzed with fear, for weeks, probably months. I have been afraid to act. Afraid to actually come into my own, to be who I want to be. It sounds crazy right? I’m not exactly sure where it began–losing close relatives, college pressure, childhood, new/old romantic relationships–but I became completely in denial of myself. How is that even possible?
I have stopped listening and thinking. I’ve forgotten what its like to be me. It’s amazing that you can continue your life, accomplish things, and even be relatively happy despite forgetting yourself.
I just stopped listening. That’s not to say I haven’t been listening to a lot of other people. I’ve read countless blog posts of probably over 50 “lifestyle” bloggers and 22 books in the last 6 months. I have talked to friends (a little) and, like everyone, I can’t shut off the media or society. So it’s not that I forgot how to listen–just that I forgot that I was the most important person to listen to. That I had a self.
Over the last few months–I’ve been exploring what’s worked for others; trying a few things out and realizing what works for me (I’m still realizing this). I can’t strictly follow one plan for an authentic, flourishing, illuminated, zen, minimalist, extraordinary, nonconformist life over another. I need to take what works for me and leave it at that. Then continue to challenge myself with others’ ideas, but truly act on my own.
I think that’s something any of those bloggers would agree with. I’m grateful for the advice, example, and inspiration that they have been able to give me. That brings me to this moment–where I’m lying in bed writing in a tiny Moleskine day planner from last month. I’m still not exactly sure what I
should am going to be doing. Am I a writer? An artist? A blogger? About what?
I’m still not sure. All I know is that I lost myself and still haven’t regained it (despite a few e-courses/e-books–it’s not that simple). So now I’m here, listening. I’m still pretty confused on what comes next, but I am working to regain faith in myself which is the first step along the way.